“A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with an early ending.” – RJ Gonzales
Sometime around the end of May, I walked past a mirror, and I had trouble recognizing myself. My body was undergoing rapid but subtle changes. I shared my concerns with my husband, who assured me everything was fine. However, my gut was telling me that something was not quite right. Little did I know that when I was staring at my hazy reflection, my body was in the process of creating life. I was pregnant.
Upon discovering that I was with child, I was quickly hit with a typhoon of emotions, as any expecting mother did. My mind immediately shifted to protection mode; I had to do everything possible to protect my baby. Then came the change of diet, the addition of pregnancy multivitamins, and the switch to pregnancy-safe products. The days began to blend, and every day brought a new symptom. I would fall asleep instantly, regardless of my location, and I was always stuffing my face with food. On some days, I woke up nauseous, and on others, I struggled with waking up at all. The exhaustion was unbearable, but knowing that my body was doing its best to provide for my child outweighed the tiredness.
Seven weeks into my pregnancy, my biggest fear at the time came to life. I had woken up in pain and bled. I was told that it was common for women to bleed a little during their pregnancy; however, I couldn’t rest until I made sure that my baby was fine. My husband rushed me to the ER, and the doctor did an ultrasound. In the seventh week, the baby is the size of a blueberry, and his heartbeats should be heard. I went in to listen to my baby’s first heartbeats only to find that there was no baby. Doubt crawled through my mind. Was everything I experienced a mirage? Was it all a lie? And suddenly, I felt like a fraud sitting in the doctor’s office, as I had nothing to prove that I was pregnant. I hoped that somehow the bleeding would stop as I did more tests to understand what was happening. A few days later, the results came back, and the doctor explained that I had a miscarriage. I first felt a bizarre mixture of loss and relief. I was relieved to have my body back to myself but utterly devastated for no longer carrying my child. I then felt guilty for failing to do what I was biologically supposed to do.
I questioned myself, is it a loss if there was nothing to lose, to begin with? I then came to understand that a miscarriage at any stage of the pregnancy is painful. A loss is a loss, nonetheless. As the lining of my womb shed, and my blood spilled, I allowed myself to grieve and mourn the loss of my baby.
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