Insanity

On the edge of insanity

Drenched in peace, quiet and tranquility

I feel closer to my humanity

When I am further apart of my sanity

I stood there quietly 

Wondering where went my audacity 

For I have lost myself to the society 

And lost faith in their mentality

My emotions to them are nothing but a triviality

They broke me till I no longer existed in reality 

Their nonsense consumed my individuality 

But I still got my spirituality 

So I let go of my old personality

And fell of the edge, to insanity 

Afraid

I am afraid of exploring my mind

I am afraid of what I may find

I am afraid of it making me go blind

I am afraid that my chain of thoughts would collide 

I am afraid of the depths within my pride

I am afraid that my identity would crash inside

I am afraid of the void it would leave behind

 I am afraid of a great fear, undefined

Raw

I think of implausible things, but that’s just the way I am. 

I go against the flow, but what do you know?

I struggle with insecurities that never want to go. 

I’m stuck with flaws that love holding me close. 

I feel loved, but hated twice a day at most. 

I’m clumsy, lazy, emotional, and it all shows. 

I’ve got nothing to do but let my thoughts grow. 

Till the darkness in the back of my head begins to glow. 

Not too light, but light enough to leave people in awe. 

Naked.

Naked, she was before his lustful eyes.

Sunrise was nothing but a delusional lie.

It was sorrow, despair that kept her from his idea of a perfect life.

He stood there waiting for a sign.

A breath.

A chance to wrap his body against hers.

Luminous lights exposing her bare chest.

Heavy darkness hiding her terrified watery eyes.

She yearned for comfort, security and serenity in this crazy life.

His touch, his love, his heart were all she needed, yet she denied.

Scared she stood as unspoken words hovered her mind.

With each breath, time was slipping from her hands.

Silence broke, distance became illusory as he approached.

One touch.

One touch was all it took.

Glass shattered, ice melted..

He took her in his warm embrace.

They became one. 

What comes after finding yourself?

I've heard for ages that I would eventually find myself. find out who I really am and what I am capable of. I've heard that during high school, I would see a glimpse of what my future or my true identity would be. But looking back at the person I was before, I knew she is nothing close to the person I am today.  The girl back then was reckless, always in a rush and doesn't appreciates life much. In fact, she often was blinded by the mysterious beauty of death. The girl I am today is more optimistic, more active and definitely more social.

Funny, cause that's not the only thing I've heard. I've heard that after I graduate from high school, I would be able to not see a glimpse, but be in touch of the identity I should obtain, the people I can choose and the things I am capable of. I've noticed that the person I was back at high school is drastically different than the person I am today, but we share one thing in common. We don't know who we are. I am not ashamed of admitting it and I am not afraid to say it out loud. I am a girl, and that is all I know. I have no words that could define me and as much as I want to be defined sometimes, a part of me still refuses to be defined.  I think of this as a quest; a quest to explore myself. But like any quest, frustration and impatience has to follow. I look at people and think to myself, "Wow. This girl/guy sure know themselves. They know what they want and they know how to handle it."It's funny, because I know what I want, but what I want is in constant change. My needs, goals and hobbies are always in constant change, and I can't help but to wonder.. is it a part of this cryptic quest I am going through? Will it help finding myself? I have no idea.

I like to think of myself as a leaf; I go wherever the wind takes me. I follow whatever God offers me in life, and I hope.. I am following the right path. Yet, I cannot deny that the path is abstruse and the signs are sometimes quite difficult to follow and understand. As I am trying to figure and combine pieces of myself together to find out who really I am, I think of what may occur after I complete my quest. What comes after finding myself? Some would say satisfaction, others would say everything and most would say absolutely nothing. My question, what would I gain after finding who I am? Would I be able to live peacefully? Would I stop doubting myself? How would it affect the people around me? Unfortunately, I have no answers to these questions.

I am very sure that whoever reads this would think that I am an unstable person. To be completely honest with you, I am as unstable as the leaf I mentioned earlier. And I believe that half of whoever reads this post is in the same position as I am. We are human beings, we are always growing, learning and in a journey of finding ourselves. There is no shame of being unstable. I am ashamed of one thing though, I am ashamed of pointing fingers at those who are as unstable as I am or.. at some point perhaps worse than I am, while I am unstable myself.  And I apologize to those people.

As a 19 years old girl, elders would think ridiculously of my post. "What does she know about life and finding herself?", they would surly think. I have a fair amount of knowledge about life, but I have so much more to learn. So here I am, proudly exposing a part of me that I've been thinking, doubting, fearing for a long time.

I am unstable, I am a learner and I am no more ashamed of showing it. I will find out what comes after finding myself. I will keep growing. And most importantly, I will fucking enjoy it.

Thoughts on being a Guster: Beginning.

As most of you know by now, I was a former student at the college of basic education, a.k.a Hell hole.  A good friend of mine saw the hell I was going through there and advised me to drop and apply to a different place. A more sophisticated place. A place that actually appreciates my hard work and attendance.  And that place is Gust.  In short, I was terrified of the decision I was thinking about making.  A tremendous decision like this one is ought to change the course of my life.  It would literally change everything, along with my future.  I thought, thought and thought some more about it. I wrote the pros and the cons of the transference and to be fair, the good and bad things about my college at that time.  Turned out and I am not even surprised, there were a lot of bad things about my college.  So, I decided to take a big leap. What do I have to lose? I was already in a bad situation. What also encouraged me is that:

1.  I was not transferring alone.
2.  I would be studying what I love, which is English Linguistics and translation. 
3.  I would be able to see and be with most of my friends every single day.

Afterwards, the decision had been made.  I applied and a month later got accepted with both of my good friends.  I was extremely excited about the whole thing. I felt liberated and refreshed.  COBE had been a really tiring and a stressful experience for me for endless reasons.

Now, It had been 13 weeks for me since my first day at Gust.  

How does it feel like to be a Guster? 

It feels absolutely amazing.  Comparing to the hell hole I was in, Gust seems like paradise.  They provide everything a students need from minor things such as a broad library and FREE printers, to major things like a clinic, gym and good cafes. The classes are air-conditioned, clean and well secured. The lobbies are filled with comfortable neat couches and there are electronic locker rooms all over the buildings. As you can see, GUST is basically a University that makes sure to provide their students with everything to make us relaxed and comfortable.  Yet, there are a lot of people who would strongly disagree and complain.

What did I learn about GUST?

1. They're strict. There's absolutely no time to fool around, which is another thing that I love about it. At the same time, they're fun. How? They provide various seminars, workshops and entertaining carnivals for their students.
2. Another thing that I love is, the outdoor week. The outdoor week is basically a week when GUST brings different kinds of well-known restaurants in Kuwait and place them near the fountain, so we can eat and enjoy the weather.
3. They have Internet connection all over the building. Which I find extremely beneficial, specially when my cellphone's internet subscription finishes.
4.  The parking lot near the building after exactly 7:50am gets full. You have to park somewhere further, and if you're in bad luck near the soccer field.
5. I learned how to write essays. I'm actually still learning, but I think I got the hang of it.
6. I certainly improved my English Language.
7. Some girls there dress up WAY too fancy for University. I have to admit that most look absolutely fabulous  And in a way, their outfits are quite creative and inspirational. But again, I still believe it's too much for Uni.
8. The foundation level is utterly exhausting. It's consuming both my energy and time. I barely have time for reading, Taekwondo and some other activities that I enjoy doing. At least, I'm getting to see my friends though.

That's it for now. I'll  be writing more about this topic in the near future and tell you more about my experience as a GUST student.

Love me.

Love me.

Love me for my chaotic self, for my mess and for my dark shattered thoughts.

Love me for my flaws, for my never-ending mistakes, for my imperfections.

Love me dearly.

Love me for every poisonous word I wounded people with.

Love me for every breath, every movement, every blink that lead to trouble.

Love me for every touch I harmed you with. For every touch I made you suffer.

Love me for my hidden secrets, love me for my forbidden past.

Love me for everytime a flame flickers hungrily alive. Love me for everytime a salty wave collides heavily against the soft, fragile shore.

Love me for everytime the sun shines upon us. Love me for everytime the moon shadows our ugly side.

Love me for me.

Love all of me.