I've heard for ages that I would eventually find myself. find out who I really am and what I am capable of. I've heard that during high school, I would see a glimpse of what my future or my true identity would be. But looking back at the person I was before, I knew she is nothing close to the person I am today. The girl back then was reckless, always in a rush and doesn't appreciates life much. In fact, she often was blinded by the mysterious beauty of death. The girl I am today is more optimistic, more active and definitely more social.
Funny, cause that's not the only thing I've heard. I've heard that after I graduate from high school, I would be able to not see a glimpse, but be in touch of the identity I should obtain, the people I can choose and the things I am capable of. I've noticed that the person I was back at high school is drastically different than the person I am today, but we share one thing in common. We don't know who we are. I am not ashamed of admitting it and I am not afraid to say it out loud. I am a girl, and that is all I know. I have no words that could define me and as much as I want to be defined sometimes, a part of me still refuses to be defined. I think of this as a quest; a quest to explore myself. But like any quest, frustration and impatience has to follow. I look at people and think to myself, "Wow. This girl/guy sure know themselves. They know what they want and they know how to handle it."It's funny, because I know what I want, but what I want is in constant change. My needs, goals and hobbies are always in constant change, and I can't help but to wonder.. is it a part of this cryptic quest I am going through? Will it help finding myself? I have no idea.
I like to think of myself as a leaf; I go wherever the wind takes me. I follow whatever God offers me in life, and I hope.. I am following the right path. Yet, I cannot deny that the path is abstruse and the signs are sometimes quite difficult to follow and understand. As I am trying to figure and combine pieces of myself together to find out who really I am, I think of what may occur after I complete my quest. What comes after finding myself? Some would say satisfaction, others would say everything and most would say absolutely nothing. My question, what would I gain after finding who I am? Would I be able to live peacefully? Would I stop doubting myself? How would it affect the people around me? Unfortunately, I have no answers to these questions.
I am very sure that whoever reads this would think that I am an unstable person. To be completely honest with you, I am as unstable as the leaf I mentioned earlier. And I believe that half of whoever reads this post is in the same position as I am. We are human beings, we are always growing, learning and in a journey of finding ourselves. There is no shame of being unstable. I am ashamed of one thing though, I am ashamed of pointing fingers at those who are as unstable as I am or.. at some point perhaps worse than I am, while I am unstable myself. And I apologize to those people.
As a 19 years old girl, elders would think ridiculously of my post. "What does she know about life and finding herself?", they would surly think. I have a fair amount of knowledge about life, but I have so much more to learn. So here I am, proudly exposing a part of me that I've been thinking, doubting, fearing for a long time.
I am unstable, I am a learner and I am no more ashamed of showing it. I will find out what comes after finding myself. I will keep growing. And most importantly, I will fucking enjoy it.