AN EARLY LOSS

 

“A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with an early ending.” – RJ Gonzales

 Sometime around the end of May,  I walked past a mirror, and I had trouble recognizing myself. My body was undergoing rapid but subtle changes. I shared my concerns with my husband, who assured me everything was fine. However, my gut was telling me that something was not quite right. Little did I know that when I was staring at my hazy reflection, my body was in the process of creating life. I was pregnant. 

Upon discovering that I was with child, I was quickly hit with a typhoon of emotions, as any expecting mother did. My mind immediately shifted to protection mode; I had to do everything possible to protect my baby. Then came the change of diet, the addition of pregnancy multivitamins, and the switch to pregnancy-safe products. The days began to blend, and every day brought a new symptom. I would fall asleep instantly, regardless of my location, and I was always stuffing my face with food. On some days, I woke up nauseous, and on others, I struggled with waking up at all.  The exhaustion was unbearable, but knowing that my body was doing its best to provide for my child outweighed the tiredness.  

Seven weeks into my pregnancy, my biggest fear at the time came to life. I had woken up in pain and bled. I was told that it was common for women to bleed a little during their pregnancy; however, I couldn’t rest until I made sure that my baby was fine. My husband rushed me to the ER, and the doctor did an ultrasound. In the seventh week, the baby is the size of a blueberry, and his heartbeats should be heard. I went in to listen to my baby’s first heartbeats only to find that there was no baby. Doubt crawled through my mind. Was everything I experienced a mirage? Was it all a lie? And suddenly, I felt like a fraud sitting in the doctor’s office, as I had nothing to prove that I was pregnant. I hoped that somehow the bleeding would stop as I did more tests to understand what was happening. A few days later, the results came back, and the doctor explained that I had a miscarriage. I first felt a bizarre mixture of loss and relief. I was relieved to have my body back to myself but utterly devastated for no longer carrying my child. I then felt guilty for failing to do what I was biologically supposed to do. 

I questioned myself, is it a loss if there was nothing to lose, to begin with? I then came to understand that a miscarriage at any stage of the pregnancy is painful.  A loss is a loss, nonetheless. As the lining of my womb shed, and my blood spilled, I allowed myself to grieve and mourn the loss of my baby. 

On pause

A particular microscopic parasite has come to Earth’s doorsteps and barged in unwelcomely, birthing a pandemic humanity was not ready for. We went to sleep in one world and woke up in another. I distinctly remember when I received a text message from a friend telling me that “it” was here, and I did not need to think twice about “what” was here. 

 Change forced its existence upon us, and we had nothing else to do but to comply. Comprehending the speed of the occurring changes was too overwhelming for us. Everything has shut down from work to public places, and that has created something I never thought we would have of this magnitude. Free time. With everything being suspended, free time has drenched us like mid-April rain.  Damp and confused, I thought of the past and how we were living in an age that erased stillness from our behavioral vocabulary. It took a parasite smaller than bacteria to shatter our sense of reality and time. A few months ago, we were utterly devoured by the busyness of life; In constant pursuit of fulfillment, and dare I say, in the wrong places. Somehow down the road of living an insanely hectic routine, we began measuring our worth with our productivity, and in some unfortunate cases, the illusion of productivity.  

Our priorities have shifted throughout our lives. Living in a time that has brought people to rediscover themselves is extraordinary. A time that has brought them to amend their relationship with food. We are turning to nature to nurture our bodies once again. I see people harvest their food, bake their own bread, and curdle their own milk into wondrous cheese. The delicious pleasure of knowing that we are responsible for the meal we put on our table is irreplaceable.  The relationship we have with food is not the only relationship that has been drastically affected by the pandemic. As we are physically forced to social distance, we are redefining the human connection. One meter apart from one another, yet we are closer to each other than ever.  

Although my appreciation for social media grew considerably for allowing me to stay connected with my loved ones, I am afraid it enclosed me in a bubble filled to the brim with familiar pressure. The pressure to be productive. The availability of free time has allowed people to do everything they were not able to do before. This includes decluttering their spaces, exercising, and reading the pile of books they left untouched. Unfortunately, some people consciously and subconsciously guilt others for not being as “productive” as they are. It’s only natural to assume that we should be making use of this spare time, but the last thing a person wants to experience in this pandemic is burnout. Now is probably the most important time to slow down, to breathe in, out, and breathe in again. It is time to welcome mindfulness in all its glory. We should remember that there isn’t a “right” way to cope. This is not a race. But do strive to have some sort of structure to your day to keep you sane and healthy. Other than that, stay safe and enjoy the peculiarity of our current days.